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Saturday, April 11, 2009

Where the Boys Are

—Cesar Padilla

I know nothing of gay porn. Honest! But last weekend I had the chance to attend the GayVN Awards (no idea why it's called that) at the Castro Theater in San Francisco, hosted by Janice Dickinson and Margaret Cho. Reading the categories beforehand—Best Threeway, Best Oral Sex, Best Pearl Necklace—I knew I was in for a wild ride, or at least some shiggles.

Like all good celebrations, the partying began early—as in, the night before. Masses of sculpted, well-hung porn stars and their twink hangers-on took over the Castro as nominated "actors" were put on display at the bars. The best was an ample young stud bouncing up and down on a trampoline in front of the notorious Twin Peaks. It was all very fascinating, tragic, fun, decadent, Dada.

Prior to the awards, Janice stirred up some shit in an interview when asked about bottoming for her co-host. She responded with "Margaret Cho can wash my fucking car." If only she could recognize that she isn't that funny, although she did look amazing. After weeks of going over scripts, Janice then dropped the bomb that she doesn't do scripts, which wasn't her brightest idea, nor was hitting the open bar before going onstage. Yet she managed to make it through her bits, repeatedly pumping her fist in the air, flashing her big smile and yelling something about gay shame over and over.

Margaret Cho, on the other hand, was flawless, and kept everyone in stitches with her caustic sense of humor. When we weren't cheering her on, we were erupting with laughter every time the nominees were announced, with titles like Paging Dr. Finger and Spread Dat Butta, which were up for Best Group Scene. I forgot who won, but over 100 participants took the stage.

Falcon Studios monopolized the awards, which must have sent waves of penis envy among the competition. Their new film, To The Last Man, was filmed on a ranch for a whole sixteen days. Apparently, they're changing the landscape of gay porn and heralding in a new genre—one with real acting. I guess that means the script has more dialogue than "You like that cock? Yeah! Take it!" (Speaking of cock, in line for a urinal, waiting for what seemed like forever, I overheard one hung horse say to another, and I kid you not, "Hey, nice schlong!")

For all Janice's antics, if there were a Biggest Bitch award, it might have gone to Michael Lucas, gay porn legend and king among schlongs. When on stage, he rehashed an old feud with an unscrupulous starlet who once lied about his age and, according to Michael, besmirched the industry's reputation. Later, at the afterparty, that starlet's porn-star boyfriend offered a few choice words to Mr. Lucas and found himself expelled, handcuffed and hauled off to jail. Way to suck all the fun out of the awards, guys.

Sadly, because video cameras weren't allowed inside the theater, thousands of hilarious moments were lost. The gaggle of drag queens alone, primping and cackling in the ladies room, would have provided hours of entertainment. But here's a clip we found of Margaret Cho singing about award winner (Best Top) Ricky Sinz's dick size...

And a few more snippets shot by Mat Cote...

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